I recently received the following email, on an especially tough day. At first, I barely recognized the name of the sender. I think that made it all the more meaningful.
"Allison, I know that we don't know each other very well, but we took a class together a long time ago at Hope-I always respected your writing. I saw that you started a blog when it showed up on facebook and my curiosity piqued when I saw that you were adopting. This is an issue so very close to my own heart, as I have been on the other side of this journey and was excited to read the perspective of adopting parents.
I can't tell you how many times I have openly cried while reading about the process that you are undertaking right now. I am profoundly amazed and humbled to hear your words about choice, about choosing a child...I think this is what resonates so deeply within me. I think often adoptees feel like they have been at the mercy of other people's choices (our conceptions in less than ideal circumstances): the choices of our birthmothers releasing us, the countries we end up in so far from the place and people we look like...
But your writings have been a reminder to me that God chooses our path before we even have legs formed to walk it. He chose me for my family, your son for yours, and He moved oceans and languages and brought our respective families together by a mighty wind and gentle voice.
I know growing up my parents didn't always have the words for this. I know in the 1980s Korean children were being adopted at a rate of hundreds a day, and that little communities sprung up where adopted Korean children were transplanted into the landscape. Sometimes I know there were things my mom wished she could have told me, but didn't know how. I hope you keep writing, I hope your child can read these words you are writing someday and feel them (and you) embrace him.
This summer I had the unique and terrifying opportunity to meet my biological mom, brother and sister. I took my parents with me, I could not have done it without them. I was able to see nurture vs. nature confront my reality in a way that would make a psychologist drool. I know this: adoption is a series of loss and gain, of brokenness and beauty. Adoption is redemption and grace and second chances and holy, holy, holy...
I will be praying for you and your husband and your son, thank you for sharing your words.
Wow. I had known this woman for a few short months during the first semester of my college career, and even then, only as a classmate. At first, I was so deeply touched by the fact that she reached out to me at all. After letting her words digest a bit, I found myself so completely challenged and convicted by the perspective that she shared.
Since the day that I received that email, I've been praying nonstop for the wisdom, humility, and clarity needed to see this process through Baby E's eyes.
When he's old enough to understand all of this, I want him to see how hard we fought for him. I want him to see how we sacrificed, lovingly and willingly. I want him to see that we chose him, named him, adored him, before we even met him. And on the days when he feels - as she did - like all of the choices have been made by someone else and he pushes back and he's filled with confusion and bitterness and anger, I want to still be humble enough to join him there. I want to remember how I felt on the bad days. I want to remember the pain of his past. I want to sit in the midst of the unanswered questions and doubts and fears and hold my son in the silence. I want to be courageous enough to enter into his hurt without always trying to take it away. Because being chosen is not the same as being the one who gets to choose.
Even though God is bringing beauty from these ashes, they're still ashes. Our son didn't ask for any of this, and I'm sure there will come a day when he'll remind us of that. And even then, just like today, may God grant me the wisdom, humility, and clarity to understand.
Thank you (you know who you are) for the words that you so eloquently shared. The perspective that you helped me gain was one that I didn't realize I was lacking, and I will be forever grateful.
"Adoption is a series of loss and gain, of brokenness and beauty. Adoption is redemption and grace and second chances and holy, holy, holy..."
Amen.
"Allison, I know that we don't know each other very well, but we took a class together a long time ago at Hope-I always respected your writing. I saw that you started a blog when it showed up on facebook and my curiosity piqued when I saw that you were adopting. This is an issue so very close to my own heart, as I have been on the other side of this journey and was excited to read the perspective of adopting parents.
I can't tell you how many times I have openly cried while reading about the process that you are undertaking right now. I am profoundly amazed and humbled to hear your words about choice, about choosing a child...I think this is what resonates so deeply within me. I think often adoptees feel like they have been at the mercy of other people's choices (our conceptions in less than ideal circumstances): the choices of our birthmothers releasing us, the countries we end up in so far from the place and people we look like...
But your writings have been a reminder to me that God chooses our path before we even have legs formed to walk it. He chose me for my family, your son for yours, and He moved oceans and languages and brought our respective families together by a mighty wind and gentle voice.
I know growing up my parents didn't always have the words for this. I know in the 1980s Korean children were being adopted at a rate of hundreds a day, and that little communities sprung up where adopted Korean children were transplanted into the landscape. Sometimes I know there were things my mom wished she could have told me, but didn't know how. I hope you keep writing, I hope your child can read these words you are writing someday and feel them (and you) embrace him.
This summer I had the unique and terrifying opportunity to meet my biological mom, brother and sister. I took my parents with me, I could not have done it without them. I was able to see nurture vs. nature confront my reality in a way that would make a psychologist drool. I know this: adoption is a series of loss and gain, of brokenness and beauty. Adoption is redemption and grace and second chances and holy, holy, holy...
I will be praying for you and your husband and your son, thank you for sharing your words.
Wow. I had known this woman for a few short months during the first semester of my college career, and even then, only as a classmate. At first, I was so deeply touched by the fact that she reached out to me at all. After letting her words digest a bit, I found myself so completely challenged and convicted by the perspective that she shared.
Since the day that I received that email, I've been praying nonstop for the wisdom, humility, and clarity needed to see this process through Baby E's eyes.
When he's old enough to understand all of this, I want him to see how hard we fought for him. I want him to see how we sacrificed, lovingly and willingly. I want him to see that we chose him, named him, adored him, before we even met him. And on the days when he feels - as she did - like all of the choices have been made by someone else and he pushes back and he's filled with confusion and bitterness and anger, I want to still be humble enough to join him there. I want to remember how I felt on the bad days. I want to remember the pain of his past. I want to sit in the midst of the unanswered questions and doubts and fears and hold my son in the silence. I want to be courageous enough to enter into his hurt without always trying to take it away. Because being chosen is not the same as being the one who gets to choose.
Even though God is bringing beauty from these ashes, they're still ashes. Our son didn't ask for any of this, and I'm sure there will come a day when he'll remind us of that. And even then, just like today, may God grant me the wisdom, humility, and clarity to understand.
Thank you (you know who you are) for the words that you so eloquently shared. The perspective that you helped me gain was one that I didn't realize I was lacking, and I will be forever grateful.
"Adoption is a series of loss and gain, of brokenness and beauty. Adoption is redemption and grace and second chances and holy, holy, holy..."
Amen.